October 15th, 2008

After Kevin's death I ran. I ran and ran and ran. It was my way to be angry about losing him. Really it was my socially acceptable way to have a temper tantrum.

I was so depressed and was seeing a counselor. A wonderful, wise woman I had seen occasionally throughout the years. I have always felt that seeing some one for a mental health check up is no different that getting a physical. There are some experiences that I haven't developed the tools to help me navigate through. The death of my son was definitely one of those experiences. Anyway, she reminded me that physical exercise and endorphins can be very helpful. I had already been running for a couple of years, so I got right out there and started running.

It really was a wonderful, healing tool for me. I could be angry and run harder. I could be sad and take it easy. I could cry or run, but not both at the same time, so I had to chose what I wanted to do. Sometimes I walked and cried, but mostly I just ran. Running allowed me to think...think about Kevin, think about loss of a child, think about how unfamiliar I was with death, think about how lacking I was in "tools" to cope with my son's death, etc., etc., etc. I thought about everything and anything. Running allowed me to have alone time to just be and think.

I didn't know it then, but this time alone allowed me to begin to put some pieces of my life back together. The life I knew, and loved, died with Kevin. I had to create a new life. In my new life I was the parent of two living children. I was a parent that knew the loss of a child. I was a parent that knew that your worst nightmares could come true and could come true more than once. The rose colored glasses had been ripped from my head and smashed into a million pieces. They were irretrievable. I had to take all of these feelings, smooth them out and try to reincorporate them back into my life. I had to take all these new experiences and create a new life. It also had to be a life I wanted. A life that celebrated living, celebrated my husband and two children, celebrated the life of my eldest son and a life that allowed me to continue to grow.

So, I ran. I ran and created the first ideas for this website. I ran and fleshed them out. I ran and dreamed of the help it could provide others. I ran and created initial guidelines for Kevin's scholarship. I run and created speeches I want to give about organ donation, living in Arete, accepting the blows of death and losing a child.

I encourage you to find something to do to give you some time to yourself. If it can be some form of exercise that would be great too. Endorphins are your friend now. You need them to help fight off depression. Walk, stroll, power walk or run, but do something to allow yourself to process your pain. As hard as it is to get off the chair and be alone, it may be worth it. We all deal with death and pain differently, so try it out. All you have to do is breathe, but breathing a little harder may help.