Oct. 3rd 2008

The beautiful fall days kill me. I will always remember how beautiful it was the morning of 9/11. It was a perfect morning - the kind of morning that makes you want to live here and be alive. It was a day that began with clear blue skies and cool morning air but with the promise of a warmer afternoon. The day that Kevin left home to return to school, the late afternoon that Kevin was injured and the day that Kevin died were the same beautiful, almost fall kind of days as 9/11/2000.

I have always noticed that this time of year is difficult for me anyway. The growing season is coming to an end. Evenings are getting colder, the days are getting shorter and plants seem to putting forth their last best effort by producing flowers, vegetables and fruits. Everything seems so fruitful and vital, but you know that they are dying. The end is coming and you, the gardener, knows it. You can artificially extend the season - throw sheets over everything on the first frosty nights or create cold frames to shelter your plants - but its over.

I am so connected and in touch with loss at this time. It is reinforced by nature and drives it home wherever I look. I have "crying eyes" all the time. You know, when your eyes feel like you just got done with a major cry or you are just beginning to start a major cry. Depression feels close at hand.

Everywhere I look I see Kevin. He loved everything about life. He knew the joy of living. He trimmed the tree branches before he left for school. I see him in the trees, suspended by his rock climbing gear, sawing away at the branches. I see him swinging his little sister in the swing. I hear his laughter as he spent time with his friends in the back yard.

He is gone, but even over a year later my heart and mind reject the idea. It is a foreign, unwanted reality. I continue to struggle to accept something that I totally reject. Aagh.

I do believe that I will see Kevin again. I also believe that I will know him and he will know me. I will once again be his mom. I do look forward to that day. It will be like enjoying all that late fall, winter and early spring have to offer while anticipating the summer growing season. I will enjoy the rest of my life and live it to the fullest that I can all the while anticipating seeing my son.