November 30th, 2008

Losing someone very close to you - a significant relationship - is a devastating event. The ripples of the loss affect all relationships.

I noticed this when my son came home from college. This is our second Thanksgiving without our oldest son. With 2 boys home for the holidays the house was a flurry of activities. The house was always full of their friends. There was food, laughter and activity.

I noticed that I looked to my son to fulfill these memories of past holidays for me. I wanted him to eat as much as his brother. I wanted him to have all of his friends over to fill the house like it used to be. I wanted the outrageous laughter, the wrestling, the activity.

The truth is that things have changed. My son has changed. His relationships with his friends have changed. Our family has changed. We are more insular. We seek others out less often. We enjoy the company of those that helped us during our oldest son's accident and week in the hospital. They are safe people. The potential to be blindsided by grief still exists.

I continue to try to recreate my world, but the truth is that it took a lifetime to create the past life. The life, that, for the most part, I loved. To get comfortable in a world that I don't want after 15 months is too much to ask.

I think the key to growing is continuing to acknowledge that everything is different. I think that, for me, it takes the pressure off. I acknowledge the truth - my son is dead, life is difficult, life has changed.