November 17th, 2008

I had a lot of activities this past Saturday. Almost all of them had to do with my son's death. The activities actually began on Friday evening and then lasted through Saturday. On Sunday I awoke with a migraine. I took medicine, but it did not work. I took more and it still only stopped it a little bit.

I was in such pain but tried to keep busy throughout the day. Later in the afternoon, both my husband and daughter took off for activities outside the house. I putzed along trying to get things done and resting occasionally. Suddenly I was overcome with grief. It was sudden, vicious and devastating. I did not cry. I did not sob. I did not tear up. I wailed. I cried so hard I lost my breath. I sounded like a wild animal in pain. It felt almost primal. I let it go on and on and on. When it finally subsided I did not feel better. I didn't feel worse and I didn't feel better. I just was.

After Kevin died I was so aware of lacking the tools that I would need to help me learn to live with Kevin's death. My body went on automatic pilot to protect me and it. Even if I didn't conscientiously know how to care for myself my soul knew how to care for me.

Although I think I have gained some tools and learned some things along the way I think I still need my soul to care for me. I really am just lost. Lost in grief, lost without Kevin. I need the automatic pilot of my higher power - God and my soul. I trust they know the way.