How do you stop the downward spiral?

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Permalink Reply by Ruth Laumer on August 14, 2009 at 2:00pm

Hi Carol! Just to let you know....I lost my husband, best friend and the father of my children 8 eight years ago very suddenly from a brain anyerisum!! I thought my life was OVER!! It was so awful and I not been alone in over 30 years and was too young at the age of 50 to have lost my husband!! So, I thought what now??
Eventually I started with some small things....I started scrapbooking and made a memory book of my husband's life! That seemed to help in small ways. I also make a scrapbook for my grandson, as he never will know his grandfather, but will know him through the pictures and stories his parents tell him. And, I also made one for my husband's father. He was hurting also!! That helped me to help my father in law feel better!
I joined a couple of different grief groups and those helped becasue I was out with other people who also had lost some one special and knew somewhat how I was feeling. I also kept friends in my life who made me feel good, I didn't want to be dragged down anymore. On Sundays was an especially low time for me and often I would go and spent the day with my infant grandson and he seemed to make things all right again with just one smile!!
I found keeping connected with friends and family who love you helps an awful lot!! I also started vounteering at Lifesource.
There I heard different stories of the grateful reciepients and other donor families....they understood!! And at the same time felt like I was giving back in some small way!! Get involved with some good cause and I know that will help you.

Who did you loose?

I don't believe you are loosing the battle...what you are going though is grief! That is the way it is, you seem to make some small steps at getting better and then something happens and you take 6 steps backwards and have to start again!!
My counsler has told me that grief work is the hardest thing you will do in your life.

I also found that just talking about your loved one helps and remembering them! My counselor told me to keep talking about your loved one and keep talking and you will know when you are done!! I have a good girlfriend who likes to talk about my husband and we end up telling all the silly stories of what my husband had done in his life and get to laughing so hard our cheeks hurt!! That is a good thing sometimes. And then there are those times I go to the cemetary and I just stand there and bawl!!
I just went to a family wedding in July and ended up getting teary eyed becasue I was thinking of all the things my husband was missing that day.

I hope this helps some from someone who has been there....Ruth

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Permalink Reply by Carol Pavel on August 14, 2009 at 6:41pm

Yes, Ruth, it did help. With experience comes wisdom. I am so sorry you had to gain that wisdom. Life is not fair, and although we always knew that, it doesn't make it any easier.
We lost our 28 year old son in a work related accident. It was something that could have been prevented with the proper saftey equipment which they did not provide. Although he did not live at home, he was not married and we were very close.
It's good to know that volunteering helped you. We have just started volunteering for LifeSource this summer. What we've done has been great for us and we want to do more. I was hoping that it was a good step forward for us. We still have not been able to go through our son's things. We packed everything up and brought it to our house, but it's still all packed.
I know we're making progress because our friends have told us we are. It's the times when the grief overtakes both my husband and me at the same time. It's times like those that we have to work really hard at our marriage. Grief makes you do things that you wouldn't normally do. We have to keep reminding ourselves of that.
But it's people like you, that care enough to reach out to people like me, that really makes the difference in our healing. Thank you so very much for opening your heart to a stranger.
Carol

Ruth Laumer said:

Hi Carol! Just to let you know....I lost my husband, best friend and the father of my children 8 eight years ago very suddenly from a brain anyerisum!! I thought my life was OVER!! It was so awful and I not been alone in over 30 years and was too young at the age of 50 to have lost my husband!! So, I thought what now??
Eventually I started with some small things....I started scrapbooking and made a memory book of my husband's life! That seemed to help in small ways. I also make a scrapbook for my grandson, as he never will know his grandfather, but will know him through the pictures and stories his parents tell him. And, I also made one for my husband's father. He was hurting also!! That helped me to help my father in law feel better!
I joined a couple of different grief groups and those helped becasue I was out with other people who also had lost some one special and knew somewhat how I was feeling. I also kept friends in my life who made me feel good, I didn't want to be dragged down anymore. On Sundays was an especially low time for me and often I would go and spent the day with my infant grandson and he seemed to make things all right again with just one smile!!
I found keeping connected with friends and family who love you helps an awful lot!! I also started vounteering at Lifesource.
There I heard different stories of the grateful reciepients and other donor families....they understood!! And at the same time felt like I was giving back in some small way!! Get involved with some good cause and I know that will help you.

Who did you loose?

I don't believe you are loosing the battle...what you are going though is grief! That is the way it is, you seem to make some small steps at getting better and then something happens and you take 6 steps backwards and have to start again!!
My counsler has told me that grief work is the hardest thing you will do in your life.

I also found that just talking about your loved one helps and remembering them! My counselor told me to keep talking about your loved one and keep talking and you will know when you are done!! I have a good girlfriend who likes to talk about my husband and we end up telling all the silly stories of what my husband had done in his life and get to laughing so hard our cheeks hurt!! That is a good thing sometimes. And then there are those times I go to the cemetary and I just stand there and bawl!!
I just went to a family wedding in July and ended up getting teary eyed becasue I was thinking of all the things my husband was missing that day.

I hope this helps some from someone who has been there....Ruth

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